Repercussions
by eorocks
Summary: Elliot tells Olivia that Kathy is pregnant, and this is my story of how I think that could have gone (vs. what happened in the series).


_AN: I AM working on my summer story, but this was rattling around, and I had to get it out. I always thought that Olivia took the news of Kathy's pregnancy a little too well, and I wanted to explore how I could envision it really going. Lots of angst here…sorry. But the steamy, summer story is coming. I promise!_

EOEOEOEO

"Kathy's pregnant."

Olivia felt as if all the oxygen has been sucked from the air and she couldn't breathe. She's trying hard to mask the impact of his statement, but her mind is reeling. She muttered something about not knowing he'd moved back home because God…how could she have missed something like that? But she can see the distress on Elliot's face as he tells her that he hasn't and for a moment, she hopes he's going to tell her that Kathy was sleeping with someone else. But the minute he lifts his eyes to meet hers again, she knows the truth. He's been sleeping with Kathy, and it's the knockout punch.

How could she have been so stupid? How could she have let herself believe that she meant something to him? That he was done with Kathy and his marriage? How could she think that this thing between them was anything more than just sexual attraction? How had she let herself be trapped into thinking that all the unresolved tension between them was anything but lust?

He didn't love her.

She was almost thankful when they were interrupted, because she can't talk to him anymore. She feels like a fool and she needs to retreat. She needs to lick her wounds…and figure out a way to salvage her ego and mend her heart because she hadn't seen this coming.

It's clear that Elliot was wrapped up in his own thoughts, and it's another blow because he doesn't seem to realize how deeply this has impacted her. She's never felt more like crying…and it brings back memories of a long-ago relationship and one-sided declarations of love. She had sworn she'd never put herself back in that situation again, but here she was.

God, at least she hadn't told him how she felt.

"Liv?"

She looks up and nods and follows blindly as life goes on…the case goes on. But her mind is a million miles away, and she can feel anger welling up inside of her. Anger with Elliot, but mostly with herself. She had allowed him to tear down the walls she had so carefully built, and it's her own fault. In the end, she only had herself to rely on. She should have remembered that.

Love is pain.

And she's had enough.

EOEOEOEO

Elliot strolls into the locker room, hoping to catch Olivia. She hasn't said much to him the past few days, but if he was honest, he'd been pretty wrapped up in his own misery and hadn't really done much to strike up conversation. He had been going through the motions at work, and she had fallen in and done pretty much the same. It was only this afternoon that he had noticed how much she had really distanced herself from him. He really wanted to talk to her about what had been happening, and he hoped he hadn't missed her.

When he came around the corner, he saw her before she saw him, and he paused. He noticed that she had changed clothes, which was pretty unusual at the end of the day. She was wearing jeans, and a black shirt. It was sheer and kind of dressy, and he noticed she must be wearing some kind of tank or something beneath it, as it was pretty revealing. As he watched, she sat down on the bench in front of her locker and slipped on a pair of spiky, black heels, and he wondered where in the hell she was going.

"Hey." He called out, and started walking towards her, and he noticed that she hadn't even turned to acknowledge him. She stood up as he neared, putting something on the shelf in her locker, or pretending to. He stepped over the bench and opened his locker, glancing over at her and then back at his own. "Going someplace?" he asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Yes." Olivia replied without looking over at him.

Elliot watched as she started to apply some mascara using a small mirror glued to the inside of her locker door.

"Where?" he asked.

"Out."

Elliot could see that she was really in a mood, and he knew he shouldn't push his luck, but he couldn't help himself. "With who?"

"A friend."

"Casey?" He asked, somewhat hopefully.

Olivia turned quickly, and he saw a flash of anger cross her features. It passed quickly, and he could see the dark shadow, eyeliner and mascara. She looked absolutely stunning.

"Are we playing 20 questions?" She snapped.

Elliot was surprised by the annoyance in her voice, even though he knew he shouldn't be. He watched as she turned back towards her locker and tossed her mascara on the shelf. She dug around in a small bag sitting on the shelf until she came up with lipstick in her hand and turned back towards the mirror.

"Just showing some interest in what my partner's up to." He said in a carefully measured tone. "You don't usually go out during the week."

"Well, things change."

"Do I know the lucky guy?" Elliot asked, making a new assumption and trying to keep the misery out of his voice. Olivia hadn't dated in a long time…or at least not that he knew of…and it was a blow to his gut.

Olivia sighed heavily and he could tell that she was debating whether or not she was going to answer. "No." She could hear the next question on Elliot's lips, and she knew he wouldn't dare ask for a name. Even if he was dying to know. She knew she probably shouldn't have gotten changed at the precinct if she didn't want to field any questions, but she hadn't had enough time to get home. Plus, there was a small part of her that wanted to see how he'd react. He had no right to be jealous, but she thought that a part of him would be. It was a little bit of payback, and she didn't feel bad about it.

She glanced over at him, trying to decide if she wanted to put him out of his misery or dig the knife in a little deeper. She wasn't normally this vindictive, but she was still hurting, and trying to build up her tough outer skin…her immunity to him. She slammed her locker shut and turned to face him, cocking her head slightly. "His name is Nick, and no, you don't know him." With that, she turned and walked away, feeling angry and just a little bit sad. She brushed off the emotions and tried to focus on the night ahead.

Elliot was just her partner. Nothing more. Hopefully a night out would help her remember that.

EOEOEOEO

Elliot gazed across the desk at Olivia's empty chair. Usually, she was the one that was in before him, or at the very least, she came in around the same time. He had been at his desk for about a half an hour, and she still hadn't made an appearance.

He knew he shouldn't be surprised. He had found Olivia changing in the locker room again last night, and it was the third night in a row. It was very apparent that she was dressed to go out. He had bitten his tongue the second night, ignoring her until she left and uttering a quick 'have fun' as she had walked out, but last night, he hadn't been able to keep his questions to himself. Olivia's answers had been even more brief than the first night, but she had given him enough information to know that she wasn't going out with the same guy as the first night. He wasn't sure if that was worse, or better. She seemed hell bent on burning the candle at both ends, and while he knew she was angry with him and blowing off some steam, he hated that she was doing it in this way. She knew how to deliver a blow without leaving a mark, and he supposed he deserved it.

Mostly, he just wanted to talk to her. He couldn't decide what to do and he knew that it was lame to try to talk to her about it, but the truth was that she was his closest friend and he needed her counsel. He had made a mistake, and yes, there was a child involved now, but he didn't want to move back home. He didn't love Kathy like that anymore. He loved…

_Olivia._

She walked into the squad room, and his first thought was that it didn't look like she'd slept at all.

_Goddamnit._

He had tried hard to keep images of her with other men out of his head all night…every night. But he had tossed and turned, trying to think of reasons to call and check in with her and coming up with nothing.

"Hey." He said as she dumped her things in her desk drawer.

"Hey." She said, not bothering to even look at him as she sat down hard. She was exhausted, and maybe a little bit hungover, and she would have preferred to stay in bed. She hadn't planned on overdoing it last night, but she'd had one too many. And after three nights, it was catching up to her. She'd had a good time, but none of the men she'd gone out with were worth pursuing anything with. Nick had been asking her out for months, and she had finally given in. She'd met Anthony when she was out with Nick…and David when she was out with Anthony. She didn't want to think about how that looked on paper, but honestly, she didn't care. They were a distraction…an outlet. A surrender to what her life would be now.

She wasn't going to invest any emotion any longer. There wasn't going to be a happily ever after or white picket fence for her.

Maybe…once she got out of this funk…she'd think about what future she wanted for herself. She'd decide if she should leave SVU…leave NYPD…leave NYC. Start out fresh somewhere else. Somewhere away from Elliot.

"Liv."

Olivia heard Elliot say her name, and it pulled her from her thoughts. She realized she had dropped her head in her hands, and she lifted her head and met Elliot's eyes. She looked at him expectantly but didn't say a word.

"You OK?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah." She straightened up in her chair. "I'm fine."

"Late night?"

"Drop it." Olivia said. She wasn't in the mood for an inquisition; especially after the questions he had fired off last night before she'd left. "Where are we at with the Meyer case?" She intended to focus on business, as they had all this week. No chit-chat. No stopping for lunch together. No going out for a beer after work with the crew.

Elliot wheeled himself back from his desk, intending to get up and walk over and see if he could get Olivia to talk to him somewhere more private, but she narrowed her eyes at him, and he knew immediately that she would deny him. He sighed heavily, wondering how long she was going to be angry with him.

The way it was going…it seemed like it was going to be a long time.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia arrived early, hoping to sneak into the locker room before anyone arrived. Typically, everyone moved a little bit more slowly on a Friday morning, and she was counting on that so she could slip below the radar. She stopped cold as soon as she walked into the squad room because Elliot was already sitting at his desk. He looked like shit, and she wondered if he'd been there all night. She hesitated, wondering if she should backtrack before he saw her…but it was too late. His head shot up, and she saw his eyes scan down her body. He was cataloguing the rumpled clothes and the bed hair, and for a moment, she felt like a high school girl being caught sneaking in late by her father. But the moment passed quickly, and she lifted her head as she stalked over her desk.

"Hey." Elliot said, and Olivia could hear the tentativeness in his voice, as if he was feeling out her mood.

"Hey." Olivia said quickly, dropping her purse on her desk.

"Late night?" Elliot asked. Olivia was wearing a little black dress, and it was pretty obvious that wherever she'd been last night, it hadn't been home.

Olivia lifted her head and looked right in Elliot's eyes, knowing it was somewhat of a rhetorical question. He most certainly didn't want to know. Or at least any confirmation. "I'm going to go take a shower and get changed." She didn't wait for a response as she turned and headed towards the cribs.

Elliot watched her go…a million questions running through his mind. He wondered where she'd spent the night, and with who. She had gone out with different men over the course of the week…that much he knew. Did she spend the night with one of them? Or someone new?

He knew he had no right to delve into her personal life, but he was concerned about her. She looked exhausted and bleary eyed, and she couldn't keep going at this pace. He'd like to think he was being objective, but he knew he wasn't.

He glanced in the direction of the locker room, wondering if he had time to talk to her before everyone else came into work. It probably wasn't the right time, but he didn't think he would be able to get through the day with things left unsaid. He didn't have that much willpower.

Elliot glanced at his watch as he pushed himself out of his chair, feeling like he was walking into the tiger's den, and knowing he was completely unable to stop himself. He pushed open the door to the locker room and called her name somewhat tentatively. He knew she couldn't expect total privacy in the locker room, where anyone could walk in at any moment, but he wanted to give her some privacy just in case she hadn't decided to get changed in the shower area.

When she didn't answer, he walked in and saw the locker room was empty. Olivia's dress was draped over the bench, and her locker was partially open, so he knew she must be near. He walked over to where the showers were, and saw the door was closed. He put his ear to the door but didn't hear the water running. He jumped when the door opened and hit him, stopping it from opening. Elliot took a few steps back quickly, seeing Olivia's annoyed expression as she pushed it opened and emerged.

"What the hell are you doing?" She asked, looking back into the shower room, and then back at him. "Were you spying on me?" She'd never had an issue with privacy before and she couldn't imagine Elliot would cross that line now, but she knew her behavior was throwing him off.

_Good._

"What?" Elliot sputtered. "No." He said vehemently. "I was just looking for you. I wanted to talk to you."

Olivia moved over to her locker and hung her damp towel. She reached for a brush and started running it through her hair, keeping her back to Elliot. "Did we get some new info on the case?"

"What?" It took a moment for her words to register. "No." He shook his head. "This isn't about the case." He shifted on his feet, upset by the way she was so pointedly keeping her back to him. "Can you turn around so we can talk?" He asked, letting out a sigh of frustration.

Olivia turned to face him, with her brush still in her hand. He saw tiny water droplets fall from her hair to her sweater, and it distracted him for a moment. Or maybe he just didn't want to look at the annoyed expression on her face.

"If it isn't about the case, then I can't imagine what we have to talk about." Olivia said, quickly turning back to her locker and grabbing her towel. She squeezed the tips of her hair to get out the excess moisture, and then grabbed some lotion.

Elliot didn't know what to do with her comment, so he stood there for a moment, questioning his decision to start this conversation. He thought about how to start, and then forged ahead with what he thought might get her to at least listen to him. "I'm worried about you."

Olivia heard what he said, but she ignored it. She thought she'd been pretty clear that if it wasn't work related, she didn't want to hear it.

"Liv…did you hear what I said?" Elliot asked.

"Yes." Olivia said, rubbing lotion on her face. "I heard you."

"Well?"

His tone irritated her…the demand for an answer. "You don't have to worry about me." She said. She grabbed her eyeliner and mascara and peered into the small mirror attached to her locker door. "I'm just fine."

"But…" Elliot started. "You don't look fine." He realized how that sounded as he saw her pause, but she still didn't turn around. "I mean, you look fine. You look good." He corrected himself. "But…you look tired. Like…maybe you're overdoing it." He noticed that she had gone back to swiping on mascara, but he knew she was listening. "You've been out every night this week, and from the looks of it, you haven't been making it home every night or getting much sleep…"

Olivia turned on her heel quickly. "Just stop." She said angrily. "My personal business is just that. _My_ personal business. I don't need you keeping track of me or what I'm doing or making any kind of judgements about how I live my life."

"I wasn't making a judgement." Elliot said, being as honest as he could be. It was more concern and jealousy that was driving this conversation. "It's just not normal. For you I mean. So, I'm just wondering why all of a sudden…"

Olivia cut him off. "While I appreciate your _concern_…" Olivia said, putting extra disdain in the word _concern_. "What I choose to do in my spare time isn't any of your concern. Which I think I've said several times now." She pushed her mascara brush back into the container and screwed it closed angrily.

"I can't be concerned about you?"

"No." Olivia said bluntly.

"But…you're my partner…"

"Exactly." Olivia said, cutting him off again. "I'm your partner Elliot. Nothing more." She waved her hand in the direction of the squad room. "Do you think John is questioning Fin about what he's doing at night? And who he's doing it with?" She dropped her hand. "Do you think Fin is telling John that he's worried about him?" Olivia shook her head, answering before he could get a word in. "No, they're not."

"Yeah, but they don't have the same relationship that we have…" Elliot started, taking a step closer to Olivia.

"No." Olivia said, turning and throwing the tube of mascara onto the shelf. It made a hard, clanging sound as it hit the metal and she liked how satisfying it was. She longed to slam her locker door closed…to pummel her fists against the metal…to take out all of her anger and rage, but now wasn't the time. She tried to rein it in because she didn't want Elliot to see how affected she was by everything that had happened. She turned back to face Elliot. "We have exactly the same relationship as Fin and Munch." Olivia said through gritted teeth.

Elliot furrowed his brow. "No." He said, but he could see the hard expression on her face. "Since when?" He'd made a mistake, but that didn't negate everything else in his life, including his relationship with Olivia.

Olivia couldn't decide if Elliot was that dense, or if it was an act, but she didn't really care. If he wanted to hear it from her lips, she had no issue laying it out for him, and letting him know what irrevocable damage he'd done. There was nothing left to lose. "Since the minute I found out you've been sleeping with your wife. Your _ex_-wife." Now she _did_ slam the locker…as hard as she could…and she stormed off towards the door, leaving Elliot to figure out what the hell he was going to do with that.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia managed to avoid talking to Elliot the rest of the day. She had volunteered to go out on a call with Fin the moment she'd walked into the squad room, leaving Elliot to stew in the locker room. When they had returned, she found that Elliot and John had gone to retrace some of their steps on their current case, and interview witnesses again in case something new had come to mind. A part of her was annoyed because it was her case…and Elliot's. But spending the afternoon with him would have been miserable. She grabbed her purse and things and went to the locker room to get the rest, hoping to sneak out before he got back. As luck would have it, she was successful. She snagged a cab about a block from the precinct after she had decided she was too exhausted to deal with the subway.

She was thankful that she had declined plans tonight. All three men she'd been out with this week had asked, and she wondered why. When she had wanted a relationship and had wanted to find Mr. Right, she hadn't had any luck. But now…everyone was interested? Maybe it really was true that making yourself unavailable was a turn-on.

Of course, it would have only been a second date…or a third in Nick's case. And maybe the requests for a date were really just a booty call.

It didn't matter.

She wasn't interested in any of them, or in finding out whether there was a connection…what their good qualities or their flaws were. They were all just a distraction, as intended.

Olivia had made her way into her apartment and dumped her things onto the counter. Her exhaustion was all-consuming, and she moved over to the couch, kicking off her shoes on the way. She lay down and pulled a blanket off the back, covering herself as she grabbed the remote. She was going to find something mindless to watch, and doze, and just put Elliot and his pregnant ex-wife…wife…out of her mind.

EOEOEOEO

Elliot slipped into Olivia's building behind another tenant, prepared to show her his badge if she objected. He had been waiting for over ten minutes, knowing that if he buzzed Olivia's apartment, there was a good chance she wouldn't let him in.

Of course, he was probably going to have the same issue when he knocked on her door.

One step at a time.

He took the stairs two at a time, and stopped when he reached the fourth floor, taking a moment to catch his breath and calm his nerves.

He had to talk to Olivia.

Her comment in the locker room had rendered him speechless, and he had finally understood in that moment just how much he had hurt her by his pronouncement. It had been a matter of fact…something he had needed to get off his chest…but he shouldn't have told her like that. He should have talked to her…explained what had happened. He should have told her that he'd give almost anything to take back that moment of weakness. That he'd give anything to undo the damage he'd done.

He needed to tell her that his feelings for her hadn't changed. He needed to tell her that he had been a coward by not telling her how he felt. That he'd been afraid of what she'd say or do if he did, so he had stayed quiet.

He straightened up and walked down the hallway, knowing that it was unlikely that she was going to be home on a Friday night, but hoping that she was. He had considered waiting until tomorrow. They didn't have to work this weekend, so it was likely that she'd be home all day on a Saturday, but he didn't think he'd be able to sleep without at least trying.

He took in a deep breath, trying to recall his perfectly planned conversation. Communication had never been his strong suit, so he had thought through what he wanted to say carefully. It had all sounded good on the way over, but now, it was all hopelessly lost.

He considered turning around and leaving, when he heard a sound behind him. He turned and saw a young man with delivery in his hand. He seemed to be headed right towards Olivia's apartment, and Elliot wondered how he'd gotten so lucky. He intercepted him right before he reached the door, and motioned towards the food, holding out a $20 bill. The guy never even removed his headphones. He nodded, snatched the money, and headed off without even saying a word.

Elliot could smell the Chinese food, and his mouth watered slightly. He turned and knocked on Olivia's door before he could even think about it, but there was no reply. He knocked again with a little more force, and he heard some kind of mumbled yell from behind the door. It was a couple minutes more though before the door swung open, and he saw a very surprised look on her face. He saw her tousled hair and her half-closed eyes, and he knew she'd been sleeping. It didn't surprise him with the schedule she'd been keeping.

"Is that my dinner?" Olivia asked confusedly, looking from Elliot's face to the bag of food in his hand and back up at him again.

"Yeah. I ran into the delivery guy and thought I'd save him a trip."

"But…what are you doing here?" Her mind was still groggy from sleep, and she couldn't reconcile that Elliot was standing there with her dinner. "How did you know I'd be home?"

"I just took a gamble." Elliot was glad that he'd caught her unaware, and that she was still half asleep. She seemed to have forgotten that she was angry with him. At least, momentarily. "I was hoping that we could talk."

Olivia sighed. "There's nothing to talk about."

"There's a lot to talk about." Elliot said forcefully, taking a half step towards her, hoping she would open the door and let him in. But Olivia didn't budge. "Liv…" He heard the pleading in his own voice, but he was beyond caring. It felt like it was make or break. He didn't want to let one more night go by without resolving this between them. Elliot used his one free hand and braced it against the doorframe, leaning in slightly. "Please." He said, lowering his voice to a loud whisper. "Just let me in."

Olivia tried to steel herself. She needed to be strong. She needed to tell him to leave. But one look at those blue eyes, focused so intently on her, and she felt her resolve weakened. The truth was that she missed him. It had been less than a week…but it had been one of the longest weeks she could remember.

Elliot saw the way Olivia was looking at him. He could see the conflict on her face, and he felt a little bad about it, but he wasn't going to let it go. "If you don't let me in, I'm going to sit here outside your door until you do." He saw the sag of her shoulders then…and he knew she was going to give in. It was mere moments before she dropped her hand from the door and took a step back…and then another. Elliot heard her let out a small sigh before she left the door completely, giving him access.

Elliot walked in and closed the door behind him, standing there with the bag of food in his hand, unsure what to do. He watched as she walked back to the couch and curled up in one corner, pulling the blanket back over her legs.

"You hungry?" He asked. "Want me to dish some of this up for you?" He lifted the bag.

Olivia shook her head. She wasn't hungry anymore.

Elliot walked into the living room and set the bag on the coffee table. He stood there for a moment, wondering if she was going to ask him to sit down. But he noticed that she wasn't even paying attention to him; she had her eyes focused on the TV. He made an executive decision and sat down, thinking irrationally that she'd look up, remember he was there, and ask him to leave.

He looked over at the TV, and saw she had some old movie on. He couldn't tell if she was really watching it, or if it was just a distraction, but he sat back in the chair and focused his attention on the screen as well. He knew he had seen the movie at some point, but he couldn't recall the name of it, or the exact storyline, but he was happy to watch it if it meant he could stay here with Olivia.

Olivia could see Elliot had settled in, and she had mixed feelings. She knew she should ask him to leave, but she was weak. She had missed him. So, she decided she wasn't going to engage with him at all…that he'd get the message and leave on his own. But in the meantime, she could just pretend that things were just the way they'd been a week ago.

Almost 30 minutes had passed, and she could tell he was getting antsy. His legs were jumping every once in a while, and the frequency of his fingers drumming against his denim clad leg was increasing as time went on.

"You know, if you're bored, you can leave." Olivia said when her annoyance had reached its high point.

"I'm not leaving until we talk." Elliot said, glad she had finally broken the silence.

Olivia let out a heavy sigh. "I think we've already been through this." She said. "I don't want to talk." Just in case she hadn't been clear at the precinct.

"Then what am I doing here?" Elliot challenged.

"I have no idea." Olivia nodded her head in the direction of the foyer. "There's the door." She turned her attention back to the movie.

"Liv…" Elliot said with a bit of a sigh. He needed her to cut him a little slack. He waited, but Olivia didn't turn her attention back to him. He took a deep breath and decided to forge ahead. "I know you're upset with me…" He started.

"Do I seem upset?" Olivia asked, keeping the emotion out of her voice as much as possible. She still refused to look at him. It was the only way she could stay strong. She was trying to stir up the anger she'd had earlier in the day, but right now, she was mostly just tired. Drained.

"_Goddamnit_ Olivia!" Elliot stood up abruptly, saying it a little bit louder than intended. He'd been patient and intent on holding his anger in, but he was scared right now. Her affect…her lack of response…was scaring the shit out of him. He needed some kind of reaction…some emotion…from her. He pushed the bag of food aside and slid on to the coffee table. Olivia still was avoiding him, so he inched farther down the table until he was directly in front of her. "Don't shut me out."

Olivia had no choice but to look at him as he situated himself in her line of vision. "I'm not upset with you." She said flatly.

"I don't believe you." Elliot said. "Ever since I told you Kathy was pregnant you've been acting…" His voice trailed off.

Olivia furrowed her brow. "Acting how?" She was really interested in how he intended to finish that sentence.

"You've been avoiding me. And you've been going out and…" Elliot said.

"So, you're mad because I actually have a life that doesn't involve you." Olivia interrupted him, making it a statement and not a question.

"No. _I'm_ not upset with _you_." Elliot said in a frustrated tone. Olivia was making this so damn difficult. "_You're _the one that won't talk to _me_."

"I'm talking to you right now." Olivia said, keeping her expression neutral. She saw the flush rise on Elliot's neck, and she knew she was really pissing him off, but she was glad. He had really hurt her, and he seemed to be fucking oblivious. "What do you want from me?" She asked, her anger exploding. She saw Elliot sit back, surprised by her outburst. "How do you expect me to react?" She pushed herself off the couch and squeezed past him, feeling the need to put some space between them. She paced over to the window and tried to calm herself down. She really hadn't wanted to give him the satisfaction of showing any kind of emotion. She turned to face him, rubbing one hand down the side of her face. "You know what? This is exactly what I didn't want to do." She shook her head. "You've gone back to your wife and that's just…" Fucked up. "That's just where we're at and I can't…"

Elliot stood up quickly. "I haven't gone back to Kathy. I'm not…" He shook his head. "We're not back together."

Olivia looked at him incredulously. "You told me she was pregnant."

"She is, but…" Elliot said.

"It's not yours?"

"No. It's mine. But I haven't moved back home."

"So, you're just sleeping together."

"No." Elliot said.

"It was an immaculate conception then?" Olivia asked derisively.

He knew he wasn't making any sense, but Olivia wasn't giving him a chance to explain. "Just stop." Elliot held up his hands. "Please, give me a chance to explain."

Olivia pressed her lips together. She wasn't interested in Elliot's explanation. "I don't really care…"

Elliot held his arms out and took a few steps in her direction, effectively keeping her from moving in any direction. He knew he had only moments before she told him to fuck off. "I went home…after the Royce case…I went home…" His voice was almost hushed as he replayed it in my mind. "Remember?" Olivia had understood his need. "I had to see my kids."

Olivia nodded very slightly. She remembered the look on his face, and she had understood in that moment that he needed to see his children, alive and well and breathing.

"And then…I just…I needed…" Elliot's shoulders slumped, and he looked down at the floor.

"You made a choice." Olivia said. "It's always been her." She said, her voice cracking slightly. She was shaking her head and she bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from crying.

Elliot lifted his head. "No. That's not true." He took a step towards her. "You and me…"

Olivia put a hand up to stop him from coming any closer. "There is no you and me."

"Liv…"

"I made a mistake." Olivia said, straightening up and finding the strength in her voice again. "I thought that maybe…" She shook her head. There was no point in getting into it. "I was wrong and now…" She swallowed hard. "We're just partners Elliot. Nothing more."

"Olivia." Elliot pleaded. "You don't believe that."

"How can I believe anything else?"

"I'm trying to tell you…"

"I don't want to hear it." Olivia said emphatically. "Because in the end, it doesn't matter." She pressed her lips together. "I've moved on."

"Moved on? To what? An endless stream of nameless, faceless guys?" Elliot asked. "That's what you want? That's going to make you feel better?"

"As usual Elliot, you totally missed the point." Olivia said choked out. "It's _exactly_ what I want…" She leaned forward slightly. "Because I don't want to _feel_ anything _any_more."

Elliot was stunned into silence. The venom in her voice and the vehemence in her words…he realized in that moment that he had caused that. "I never meant to hurt you Liv." His voice was a hushed whisper. "God…I love you."

"Don't you dare." Olivia said. Her hand shot up as she took a step towards him, and she'd never felt like hitting someone so much in her life. "Don't you fucking dare say that to me." She clenched her teeth together. "You made your choice." She spat out. "You could have come to me that night, but you didn't."

"I didn't think…" Elliot shook his head. "I should have but…" He knew there was nothing he could say to change the events that night. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He said. "But we can figure this out. I love you…"

"It's too late for that."

"I know you feel the same way." Elliot said, knowing she couldn't have completely shut off her feelings for him overnight.

"I don't."

"You can tell yourself that, but I know that's not true. We can work through this…"

"You're not listening to me!" Olivia practically shrieked. "I don't need you. I don't need anyone. At the end of the day, I just have myself and that's it." Olivia said. She was close to a meltdown…an ugly, sobbing, full-blown meltdown. "I need you to leave."

Elliot started to object, but then Olivia was pushing against his chest with the palms of her hands. He didn't try to grab her wrists or stop her, and in the next moment, she had balled her hands into fists and was pummeling at his chest.

"I hate you." She said, but the words were mixed with tears. Elliot felt a stab of pain in his own heart. He had done this to her, and it couldn't be undone. No matter how much he told her that he loved her, he couldn't change the facts. He had slept with Kathy. He had a child on the way. It would be a constant reminder of the choice he had made, and he had no right to expect her forgiveness. Elliot wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his body. He held her tightly, despite her struggle to free herself. He pressed his lips to the crown of her head. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm so sorry." He swallowed hard. "I love you."

He released her then and turned without looking at her. If he looked at her, he wouldn't be able to leave.

Olivia watched him make a beeline for the door and her heart clenched. A part of her couldn't believe he was leaving, even though she'd told him too. He wasn't fighting for them, and it was the confirmation she needed to close off that part of her forever.

She saw him pause as he reached for the door, and her breath caught in her throat. His shoulders slumped and his head dropped, and he seemed to be considering something. The room was silent, with just the sound of their breathing for a long minute. Then she saw him turn, and she wasn't prepared for the pain she saw on his own face.

"Before I go…" he said softly. "I just need to know…" He swallowed hard. "I just need to know that I didn't imagine all of this…that you love me…" He corrected himself. "That you loved me too." He knew it was a lot to ask…that he had no right to ask her for that…but he needed to hear it from her.

Olivia stood mute as his eyes bored into hers until she couldn't take it anymore. She closed her eyes. "I love you." She said. She heard the door open then, but when she opened her eyes, he was already closing it behind him. She had an irrational moment where she wanted to tear after him…when she saw herself opening the door and yelling at him to wait…to come back…but she stopped herself.

This was how this had to end.

This was how this was always going to end. She had just been too stupid to see it all these years.

Olivia let herself slump on to the floor, suddenly feeling as if her bones were made of rubber and her blood had ceased pumping through her veins. She had done it. She had cut the tie that bound her to Elliot, and she felt completely broken. All of her bravado this week…all of her pep talks where she told herself that this was going to be better…that she could survive on her own…it was bullshit.

Well…maybe not bullshit.

But she could see now that life was going to be shallow. One dimensional.

The thought that she could still work with him was ridiculous.

She couldn't watch him sitting at his desk. She couldn't watch him showing new baby pictures to the guys. She couldn't pretend that she wasn't affected by the loss of who they were to each other.

Suddenly, Olivia's door crashed open and Elliot came bursting into the room.

"No." He said, marching across the room towards her, shaking his head. "This isn't going to end like this." He reached the spot where she had crumpled to the floor and reached down, grasping her biceps in his hands and pulling her to her feet. "Not like this." He framed her face with his hands and looked deeply into her eyes. "I can't take back what happened…the mistakes I've made." He said. "But I can keep from making any more." He looked back and forth between her eyes. "I should have told you. I should have done so many things differently." He paused for a just a moment. "I swear to you that I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you…if you'll just tell me that you love me again and tell me that we can work this out. Because I don't want to live without you." He lowered his voice slightly. "I know that might make me a selfish son-of-a-bitch, but…I can't live without you." He couldn't read Olivia in that moment, except for the glassy sheen in her eyes. He didn't know if it was happiness or sadness that was the cause of it, and he waited with fear roiling in the pit of his stomach.

Olivia could barely process what was happening right now, but the words Elliot was saying were making her waver. Her mind was telling her to be strong, but her heart was weak, and the intensity of his gaze was boring into her soul. She reached up and wrapped her hands around Elliot's wrists. "I can't…"

Elliot's heart shattered into a million pieces.

"I can't deny you." Olivia whispered. "I want to, but I can't." She pulled Elliot's hands from her face and pressed them against her heart. "I love you. I'll always love you."

_The End._


End file.
